I just realized looking at the date that I have been in Germany for exactly two months. Where has it gone? It's gone so fast, yet some days have felt like they dragged on forever. The interesting thing is that merely after two months, I feel like I have always lived here, that I have always known Eva, Rainer and Julian... that they are my family. It's curious how one can become attached so quickly. For such a thing to occur must mean that we obviously have the same standards for others.. the same qualities, work ethic, general life interests. And yet, here I am doubting myself every minute, living in paranoia that this is all a dream and that they will one day realize that I'm just not the person they thought I was. I'm so shallow and superficial, if i were a puddle, i would be dry. And how purely repulsive it is to eat and puke everything. My life revolves around food, eating, exercising, purging, weight, looks. How sad. I used to be full of dreams, goals and aspirations. Actually, they are still here, but have lost priority. I was grocery shopping today and getting my stuff out of the car, I had a moment of lucidity. For a second, I saw the insanity of what I have come to. Along with a bulging backpack, I had a shoulder bag and a garbage-sized bag stuffed with food. This amount of food would last a family of four for a week, and even then, probably longer. Knowing that it is only going to last me three days at best is depressing.. I'm not sure how I justify such amounts to myself; I think it somehow makes it OK because I always get things on sale, reductions, good deals. I spent 25 EUR on all of it. But that doesn't excuse my purchase, it doesn't make it any more right or any more reasonable. Just because it is cheap shouldn't justify its purchase. I need to stop this. I want to stop this. It's just not that simple. How do you change behaviors, rituals, habits, that have taken over your daily life? They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.. but can you teach a bulimic moderation? It's going to be difficult to overcome. B/Ping is my coping method of choice, actually, i don't really have any others ones nearly as effective. The feeling I get during/after purging is such a feeling of well-being, almost euphoric.. a feeling of success, that I can at least do that one thing well. But will my life be resumed to this? Managing to get by the day, work, be social, but underneath be this despicable, sneaky, double-faced ugly and unsuccessful girl that lives to eat and puke? God, someone tell me this isn't the case.

So i figured i'd be a follower and join in on the LJ buzz. Yes, i know i'm a little late (i was the 11.7 millionth person to join, lol), but better late than never, right? A few quick reminders: i know nothing about LJ or any other online journal sites. I will probably rarely change/update my profile from how it is now because, well, i just can't be arsed to expend that big of an effort. I am the type of person who will read other people's entries w/great attention and emotion, yet rarely post a comment due to lack of empathetic vocabulary or, as stated above, lack of time aka laziness.

But, feel free to read, comment, bitch, feign interest, or litter my pages with smilies cause i love them ;) ENJOY!!